Sugarhut, you are not a weak person for being stuck in an abusive relationship. This happens to strong, smart, self-posessed people. It’s like a trap you slowly get more and more entangled in, and it is hard as nails to get out.

You must try, though. You can’t stay with this guy, he is slowly destroying your personality. The good news is that once you do get out, you can start building yourself up again. I know it was hard to be without him at first, but with time it will become easier and you’ll come to see how much better off you are without him.

Can you reach out to your brother? Can you tell him what you told us here, and say: “You were right about him, and now I need your help because I can’t get out of this mind-trap on my own.” He may not know exactly what to do, but he’d want to help, I’m sure. Same with those friends that have drifted away. Contact them and level with them. Ask for help. You deserve better than this. Maybe there’s a helpline as well for women in your situation. Talk to them. You’re not weak. You are mistreated and your idea of yourself has suffered as a result.

You don’t have to wait until your partner stops being nice. He isn’t nice now. He is still controlling and bullying you, he’s just doing it by pretending to be nice so you’ll be on your toes to avoid “setting him off” again. But you need to understand it’s not you setting him off. It’s him. It always was him. He will treat you badly no matter what you do.

Do I understand correctly that the place where you live is yours, and he’s moved in? Try picturing yourself showing him the door and changing the locks. What are the things that get in the way of you being that person?