Sugarhut ~

It sounds like you are dealing with a classic narcissist. Google “dating a narcissist,” “narcissistic personality disorder,” and “how to leave a narcissist.” Narcs (for short) are the most manipulating, emotionally abusive people on the planet. They demean and belittle you until you get to the point where you honestly believe you can’t live without them. They CREATE this “weak” person (using your word, although I do not believe you are weak) so that you are dependent on them, because they NEED for you to be dependent on them so they feel validated. The worst irony of all is that they purposely belittle you until you are a shell of the person you used to be; but then they despise you for it. It’s maddening, and you can quite literally lose your mind, lose your sanity, and lose your sense of self if you don’t get out.

They use a technique called “gaslighting,” where they say one thing and then later say the opposite, and tell you that you’re losing your mind for ever thinking they said the first thing. Or they tell you you’re “too sensitive,” or whatever trait you’re insecure about; they latch onto that and exploit it.

Another important note is that NARCISSISTS WILL NEVER CHANGE. Every single article you will find will tell you; if you’re in a relationship with a narc, GET OUT NOW. They won’t change. EVER. They change temporarily when they sense you are pulling away; so that’s when he’s nice and fun and caring again. But the minute they know they’ve snagged you back in, they go back to being the manipulative, degrading, emotionally abusive person that they truly are. So, you have two choices: deal with this for the rest of your life, or choose to leave.

I know how difficult it is; I had to leave a narc too. The sentence that raised the red flag for me is when you said “a lot of people think he’s this nice charming guy and that I’m lucky to have him but that’s the front for them he’s different with me behind closed doors.” That’s the EXACT trait of a narc. Around other people they are fun, charming, the star of the show; and everyone tells you how lucky you are to have him. THAT’s the person you fell in love with. But the minute you get home, he turns into this monster.

Also Google “narcissistic rage.” This will help you understand what triggers him. Once you start understanding the sick mind that is the narcissist, you can start to manipulate HIM and begin your escape from him.

I truly believe it is imperative to understand how these monsters think and what the reason is behind his actions. Once you understand the psychology behind it, you can start to accept in your mind that this is NOT your fault; you ARE a victim of emotional abuse, and you NEED TO GET OUT NOW. If you keep trying to think of him in terms of a normal, healthy, functioning human, you will go insane trying to make sense of it all. And you will start to believe his lies that he tells you that make you insecure and make you stick around.

As the other readers have said, if nothing else do it for your kids. He is destroying them too.

Ask your brother for help. Call an abusive help line (he doesn’t have to hit you for it to be abuse). Call one of your friends that have left you because of him, and apologize and ask for help.

You can do this, beautiful lady. You are worthy. You are not weak, you are a victim of one of the most demeaning types of emotional abuse out there; and you can escape. Trust me; it’s NOT EASY. But there IS a life here “on the other side” once you escape; and it’s beautiful. You can be free and you will do just fine and you will thrive once he’s out of your life. Remember, “a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.” You can do this. Start researching, and lay out a plan. And do it.

Sending love, prayers, and blessings to you.