Dear Kupono:

In your original post you wrote: “how do I get back to feeling everything so deeply, because as of now itʻs as if I feel nothing at all”-

At one time not long ago you felt alive, and you want that feeling back.

Reading your life story, I believe you felt very hurt and scared as a child. What children do when overwhelmed with fear and hurt is they dissociate- remove reality from their awareness best they can, so it doesn’t scare them or hurts them as much.

Dissociation feels numb, as if you are observing your life instead of living it. There is less pain but there is also hardly any joy. It happened to me.

The thing is, when you dissociate (which happens automatically, the brain protecting itself), sometimes you get a break. For example, as dissociated as I was I was able to experience intense joy when I visited Disnelyand for the very first time. But then I went back to dissociation- which was the normal for me.

Back to the quote from your original post: for you to feel “everything so deeply” would be you feeling more of the fear and hurt that is not connected well to your awareness at the present time. To feel present and alive you have to go through a process of healing and access that hear and hurt, gently, gradually relax and release those and then you will access- on an ongoing basis, not just when the brain takes a break- being alive.

The place for such healing is in psychotherapy with a competent, empathetic therapist over a period of months at the least. It would be ongoing work. You need a context of SAFETY to do this kind of work. In competent therapy, the safety would be in that relationship.

For now, since you don’t have anyone to talk to, please use this medium and share all that you need to share. I will attentively, empathetically and respectfully read everything you write and reply every single time that you post. Let this- in communication with me- be your safe place for now.

anita