Dear janice51:

This is my input regarding the points you brought up in your last post: this is again about the separation between you and your son. At this point, you agree not to interfere with how he interacts with the people involved, since he asked that of you. But notice this: it is not his business how you interact with the people involved. After all, you were part and still are a part of the school events and if his former best friend wants to visit your home, it is your business, because it is YOUR home, not only your son’s home.

So what I would do is not have the former best friend (or the former girlfriend) in your home. If your son chooses to accommodate the two, it is not your job to encourage this. Stay firm with your position. Don’t facilitate the choices your son wants to make when you believe those choices are not for his best interest.

When you see the other mother in sports events, I wouldn’t bother, if I was you, to make small talk, not at all. She chose distance with you- respect her wishes as well, although not assertively or honestly communicated. Don’t try to get closer- stay afar from her. It is your choice whether to talk to her about the issue itself as it affects you. Meaning, don’t go on the defense of your son, but instead, tell her how her distancing hurt you.

Separation is indeed crucial as you proceed. By being assertive yourself about your own experience, you model assertiveness to your son. If he is not clear about it being so, explain to him that you are asserting yourself about what is appropriately your business, about who visits your home.

It is the home of the two of you, and since he is 15, better make choices about such things as who visits the home following input by all the people living in the home. He needs to be heard, his position considered and you too need to have your feelings considred.

Hope you post again, anytime. This is tough, the separation needed but doable.

anita