Hi Anita,

I see, I don’t really go with medications and things like that, so thank you for pointing out the difference.

I mean, I can’t remember how my childhood has been, but it was quiet depressing if I look back, but I was too young to realize that. But now if I rewind and look back, I go like what a life I have been living, my parents were most of the time stressed and miserable, where they too busy or too occupied to show me the love I need? We moved out to a different country and lived all on our own as a family, we neglected everything and everyone back in our hometown, we left everything behind. So as a child I never really had a lot of family interactions or celebrations, it was very limited and within our family only. I can’t remember as a child if I was rejecting love from my surrounding, but I definitely do now.

I love my family that’s for sure, but I am very cold and not very kind or care-giving, I replace my expression of love with generosity and with things, like buying things and giving it to people, I find it the best definition or form of love expression. Even my family, I always lend them money because they are my family at the end of the day the most important thing in life, but still keep a straight face and remain formal with them.

Sometimes my mother tries to discuss this and says that my actions show that I am cold-hearted and cruel (with no intentions to hurt me, most loving mother ever), but I can’t seem to find an explanation to her argument. She tells me once you get the attention you need, you just back out, you keep backing out when someone runs after you and showers you with love.

It’s very hard to explain how I feel about love, but it is always black and white, never grey. I want to welcome love with arms wide open, but there’s always this block preventing expression. All of my people who are around me call me mean and cold, with a straight face on, and it is true, I seem so but I am unable to prove the opposite. PS: I was always labeled as a depressed person since high school.