Hi sunflowerbird89!

It seems like you didn’t make any mistake. Of course you didn’t! Your cousin is the one who made the situation into something big. Although you tried to explain why your cousin reacted, this didn’t help. But, when you explained it to the others, they agreed with you. Then, Jane wasn’t around for the second explanation. Later, Jane responded to your “I miss you guys” email and she said she didn’t want to be friends anymore.

Did you ask her why? Maybe she just wants you to go out and party with them again. Maybe she misses the old you, just like you miss spending time with her.

I would do everything I could to try to get on better terms with Jane. Maybe you can invite her out for drinks and don’t mention anything in your invitation. Just say you guys should go for fun and have a good time. Then, if she accepts, you can have a good time, but maybe consider trying to get closure during that time. So, at the party, wait for a good time, and then bring up that your cousin made you feel really uncomfortable and just explain to Jane that he is a recovering alcoholic, and he gets anxious and angry when people encourage others to drink.

This part of it is really important. The way you bring this up matters a lot. The way I like to do it is like this, I think of people as pretty much all alike in that they all have an ideal version of themselves in their head. We all want to be a better person, and we’re struggling every day to become that better person who we want to be. But, most of the time we can’t do anything to change, so we’re frustrated and we stay who we are, instead of moving closer to that person we want to be. So, when you explain this to her, keep that in mind. Approach it like this, don’t criticize her or say anything about how you thought she was really mean, don’t say anything negative about her reaction. Don’t say anything negative about how she said she didn’t want to be friends, etc. You should say something like, “I really miss spending time with you guys, I felt so bad when my cousin got mad at you for telling me not to drink. I love drinking with you guys and having a good time! I hope we can work this out and spend more time together.”

Listen, it sounds really sincere and it will bring Jane’s mind back to the good times you used to have together. So try to do that when you say this in your own words. What this will do is, it GIVES JANE THE OPPORTUNITY TO BE A BETTER PERSON. Jane wants to be that better person inside her head. She never gets such a perfect chance to rise to the occasion and be that person and forgive you for your mean cousin. But by you saying this in this way, she will not feel like you judged her for responding negatively, but she will be focused on the good times, and she might feel a little sadness that you aren’t together anymore, and she will want to take the chance to be that better person. What a perfect opportunity! She will do it.

If she won’t accept your invitation, you could try again later to see if she is in a better mood, but after a couple tries, if she still doesn’t want to, then you just have to move on. But, I’m hopeful that approaching the situation in this way might help you.

I would not just go out and not say anything about it. It will probably be a big elephant in the room. So, this is the best way I’ve found to bring it up and try to mend things. I hope it works well for you.