Dear ajack379:

A key sentence for me in your post is: ” I feel a lot of pressure when I am around other people and I liked having a space to retreat to.”

I ask myself: what is that “lot f pressure” in that sentence. I think the answer is in another sentence: ” There is a lot of fear running through me and a lot of self loathing.”

I think the reason the one time cheating of long ago resurfaced during this time is because your self loathing focused on a reason to loath yourself. In other words, as a result of the prospect of living with her months before, and then finally living with her, your self loathing increased.

And I ask myself, why is your self loathing increased at the prospect and later, the reality of living with her? I don’t know.

It seems to me that the trouble is that fear and self loathing you mentioned and her living with you increased these. Of course, you were not interested in increased fear and increased self loathing, so you did your best to prevent that, by no longer finding her attractive, no longer feeling affection… by not interacting much once she was in your home.

If you think I have a point, that it is probably not about her but about you not wanting MORE fear and self loathing, then I would tell her that, and I would attend psychotherapy with a competent therapist to examine that fear and self loathing. Then proceed from there. There is hope for the relationship.

Would you like to share more about that pressure you feel when around other people? Is it indeed that fear and self loathing you mentioned later?

anita