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A few weeks ago I sat at this rock me and the woman I just mentioned were at beside the ocean and was listening to the waves for 2 hours without moving. Just listening, watching the people go by, thinking to myself…in that time? I found out something I never knew, it just hit me and I wrote it down:
“The world lied to me! it’s NOT about making people happy, it’s about making yourself happy only.
Nobody is there for you except yourself, you are alone, everyone else is worried about everyone else and themselves being happy, you don’t matter to them unless you’re helping them be happy.”.
I sat on my bed all depressed that I don’t wanna believe this garbage! and been trying to ignore it to even this day! I wanna help people…I KNOW for a fact i’ll never be happy so I want everyone else to be happy. Been feeling this way longer then 2 weeks though, but most of it is from the past 2 weeks. I just donated $5000 to someone I’ve not seen since I was a kid so she can get her pump for her diabetes as she will die if she does not get it and the government wont help out. I don’t do it because I want karma points though…but that girl that’s been helping me out text me she read it and she was crying for what I did and how much of a sweet soul I have got and It’s true I am an angel, told her i’d do the same for her if she ever needed it and i’m always here for you and that I meant it, always. Anyway I had a meetup on Saturday with that woman I gave the money to, there was 25 of us and it was a good time, got drunk and was loud. Most of the people there I had not seen since I was a small kid so was a little nervous until I started drinking the booze. Been drinking the booze ever since…i’m STILL drinking.
I had another trigger, i was supposed to have a coffee with that woman again this week, she text me last week she would text me when she was available…never did! her sister was having a baby a few days ago but she was going to an event today and bringing her friends with her until it sold out. Thought we were friends? I never get invites, I always got to ask, but I never ask as we never hang out unless it’s a coffee because of my stupid problem. I got a problem where I feel like people will be annoyed if I ask to hang out, even if they never seem to have a problem with me when we are actually hanging out. It’s a problem i’m always going to have and why i’m always going to feel alone in this world. Anyway I guess that’s it for now…