Hey guys.
I guess this is difficult for me to deal with, a lot dissonance sets in whenever I think about my dad.
He has bipolar disorder, so when he is manic he is a different person from who he is usually. When he is not manic, he is depressed. I have not seen him at baseline, if I have I dont remember it. Everyone tells me how loving he is, how caring and thats completely at odds with my own experience. I was also taught to believe how he was acting wasnt his fault because he was sick and not in control of his behavior, so to not be angry at him because how he was acting wasnt who he was. At the same time, I may also be viewing him thru the lens of anxiety and depression, both of which I am currently struggling with, so I dont know if I am viewing him clearly or not. All of this makes me very uncertain as to what reality is.
Adding to this, if I think of him as manipulative, I cant be loving towards him, and if Im not loving towards him a lot of religious childhood fear kicks in (when I was a child I believed disobeying or hurting your parents means you go to hell, at a subconcious level I still believe that i guess, even thou I am not conventionally religious.)
So while I hear your words, it is possible for me to internalize them at times, at other times it isnt because of all the confusion listed above.
with gratitude,
m