Dear greenshade:

I understand being confused about reality. I know confusion and it kept me stuck as well. I too did not believe my own experience. I doubted my ability to evaluate reality correctly. It took me over five years of daily healing work to be able to trust my ability to evaluate reality correctly.

Maybe if you lived away from your father, maybe go to effective counseling, over time you will get the clarity you need.

A few points from your last post:

1. “…how he was acting wasnt who he was”- when his behavior toward you was abusive, he was abusive. It is like this: let’s say someone stabs you and you, naturally bleed. It doesn’t matter if the person who stabbed you is sometimes kind, or never stabbed someone else. Or if he is bipolar. Fact is, he stabbed you and you bleed.

2. “disobeying or hurting your parents means you go to hell..” Does a parent who hurts his innocent, loving, trusting child, again and again, goes to hell? If the hell business is supposed to be a matter of justice, what is more unjust than the hurting of the innocent and trusting?

3. ” I may also be viewing him thru the lens of anxiety and depression, both of which I am currently struggling with, so I dont know if I am viewing him clearly or not..”

I think what came first is your father hurting you, no one protected you (being on his side, not on yours). The CONSEQUENCE of that was your anxiety and depression. Not the other way around.

anita