Dear Sunday:

Good to read again from you. I am not so clear about your question in the last paragraph but here are my thoughts about your update:

There is no consequence-free-freedom. Everything has consequences, including acts done in the mindset of being free. This is a rule of life, of nature, and there is nothing your partner can do to change this rule. Reads to me that she has some awareness of this rule, acknowledging that kissing the guy has the consequence of hurting you.

I think you are asking whether you should pursue a sexual relationship with another woman or women (as she suggested you may) and give her the consent to act on her existing sexual desires for the guy OR keep things as they are: her not acting on her desires and you not pursuing sexual encounters outside this relationship.

If I am correct, then this is my answer: you can pursue encounters relationships with other women IF you are willing to accept the consequences. The consequences may be unknown to you at this point, but they will make themselves known later- you may feel uncomfortable with your encounters as well as with knowing she is now acting on her desires. This possible distress may be undesirable for you and may lead you to end the relationship with your (primary) partner. It may lead you to reverse the arrangement, or try to reverse it.

Regarding “the Buddha felt adultery was destructive to relationships and causes suffering”- social convention, backed and originated by different religions, promotes the strong position that adultery is wrong. It is not often that a person is able to disengage from such deep social convention. Study yourself: how strongly do you believe in this convention. I know, personally that I am unable, nor am I willing to act against this particular social convention. I agree with it, so acting against it, will indeed bring me much suffering.

anita