Dear xyop:

My input: You have a very honest young man for a boyfriend. I am impressed by the level of his honesty- indeed you are blessed with an opportunity to have an honest partner for life if you correct a misunderstanding you have about what a loving relationship should be. The fault of thinking is in your thinking, not his.

He was honest when he said to you: ““its my first relationship and i have no idea what to expect” Unfortunately you “knew” what to expect: a man who will be selfless, have little or no regard for himself while all his regard is for you; a man who will sacrifice his needs and wants for you; a man who will accommodate your needs and wants at any cost to him.

At first he went along with what he thought a relationship should be and he said things like: “your happiness is my utmost priority,” “I’d always put you first,” and “I’d do anything to see u happy”.

He didn’t know it doesn’t work. It can’t possibly work that way. He initially stopped hanging out with his females peers in school, and initially he gave in to you during quarrels. And then he found out…it is not working for him. He was confused at first (” “i dont know dont ask me. i dont know”) and at times he stopped feeling love for you, shunning and ignoring you.

He told you that “he was tired of being someone he was not (like him putting my happiness first like he said…
He admitted that hes selfish and that he isnt and will not be willing to do things just to make me happy anymore.”- he discovered during the course of his first relationship that it doesn’t work for one partner to SACRIFICE his well being so to accommodate the other’s desires. It is not selfishness, it is human nature to NOT sacrifice oneself on an ongoing basis. This is true for you as well- you are no less “selfish” than he is.

A relationship should be a Win-Win deal, not a Lose (for him) and a Win (for you). A relationship should not and cannot be healthy and loving if it is all about your wants, your feelings. What about his wants, his feelings? They are just as valuable as yours.

He is a very honest person, saying: “i thought it would only be full of good times and no arguments. but if i had known it would be this way i wouldnt have started it in the first place”.

Who wants UNECESSARY bad times, unnecessary arguments? Why accept these as a part of a relationship

Make it a Win-Win proposition or let him go.

anita