Hey Sammi-

Yeah, Thanksgiving isn’t always the easiest family time, for the very reason that it’s supposed to be. There can be all these ‘holiday’ / ‘family’ expectations, with everyone on different pages which ends up being emotionally charged. There’s a reason I went to see friends rather than go to my sister’s this year. But it sounds like you came out of Thanksgiving relatively unscathed and indeed actually gave yourself some much deserved ‘taking care of’. In its own little way, that’s big.

Ok, that’s cool about the Charter school. No big thing about the tour – you don’t seem to need that.

Your behavior is not weird and cowardly. It’s a natural reaction as you try to defend yourself as best you can in this given situation. Remember – good person bad situation. I am sorry that this situation makes you shrink inside and feel like you want to disappear, but I understand completely why it would. Again, it’s not fair to you that you have been made to feel this way. Read that sentence again. And again, you’re a kid (though it might not feel that way to you) and as a kid, you shouldn’t be made to feel this way. It’s not you.

No matter what he meant by ‘just us’, don’t you think it’s a babyish statement? I mean what kind of grown man, whether it’s about her colleagues coming over for dinner and/or her daughter being there would say that to his significant other? (Wah..Wah..Wah..Why can’t it be JUST US…) Abusive people often impose an element of isolation on the ones closest to them in just that way. I think I may have mentioned this way back in the early days of our posts.

Speaking of which, maybe I’m being way-way-way premature here, but the other thing that is threatening to abusive people is seeing someone make a move, no matter how small, for their own good even though it’s the person’s right. Remember there’s most often a dose of low self image in the mix of their abuse, so the idea of someone else doing something self-affirming and constructive can threaten and get them pissed either outright or passive aggressively.

Do you think there’s a possibility of him getting aggressive about the Charter school? Preying on your vulnerabilities (which he helped create) by saying something belittling? Trying to ‘keep you in your place’ as he sees you doing something affirming for yourself? I ask this question now, no matter how premature, so maybe you can ‘see it coming’. So rather than being a bug on his windshield (SPLAT) as he careens wildly down his familiar road of abuse, or feeling hurt, angry, defensive or bitter, you can get in the the Sammi traffic-copter ahead of time and watch him drive down his usual ‘Dukes of Hazard’ road with a slightly removed view from above. Sorry for the bad 70’s TV metaphor. I try to keep it entertaining since we talk about such heavy stuff. You’ve probably never even heard of Dukes of Hazard, a truly sucky show I never really even watched as a kid.

But seriously, does this make sense to you? Do you think you could kind of ‘see it coming’ and as such be less effected by it? Can you envision getting a bit of distance on his bad, pathological actions and seeing that they are UNRELATED TO YOU? Kind of see it from above?

Good and well needed to ramble at someone til 4am (even though I get annoyed when my daughter does it and we have to do something the next day and she’s bleary eyed all day then falls asleep on the couch and can’t be waked). Getting out of the house for a sleepover and a fresh or slightly different perspective is good for you, exhausting though it may be.