Dear Audrey,

Well that understanding I speak of has come from experience in my current relationship which has become long distance at the moment.

Let me explain the context a bit and then you can get an idea of what can be done with regard to your situation.

My anxiety in the initial phase related to security issues in his country and risk of life. Combined with that was his lack of texting, limited calling which shot my anxiety through the roof. Then of course a part of me was scared that what if he is bored of me or something.

I did tell him very clearly to not disappear for several hours in a day without writing ‘I am okay’ on text. I explained why I felt worried when he vanished. Of course he messed up on several occasions and found myself googling his country for bad news.

However please note that he doesn’t do the suddenly not calling for days thing.

Then over time, I got less anxious and told myself to let go of trying to control something that I couldnt. So I did exactly the contrary to what I was feeling – I stopped trying to enquire so much if he is okay and told myself he will be fine. Even if something happened, what could I do from here by worrying?

What really helped was that boyfriend had a good history of follow up when we were dating before LDR – he wasn’t overtly communicative but he didn’t make me feel like I wasn’t on his mind, that I wasn’t a priority.

So oddly invisible understanding developed – I trusted him, I gave up trying to control the situation – he knew I would understand his side of the situation and still made attempt to call me after his really hectic days (10 hours of work+family occasion and then back home at 1 am with office at 8 am again). Did I ask him to call here? Nope, I rather texted him that he needs to rest and sleep.

I realise our set of challenges are different but I think you can see that some ground rules help, some adjustment and patience from both sides is needed. Sometimes this adjustment has to be explicit or it implicitely happens over time.

Regards,
Nina