Dear magnoliachrysanthe:

You wrote: “The first time we talked about this he told me that he felt bad.
The next time we talked, he told me that he thought I felt bad”

Please notice, open your mind to the possibility that he felt bad AND that he thought that you felt bad. Often a person can feel bad because they are thinking someone they care about is feeling bad.

The way you understood the above (non) contradiction is that with the first sentence he took responsibility for his feeling bad and in the second sentence he blamed you for him feeling bad. You interpreted it to be either X or Y, when reality is often X AND Y.

Reads to me that you came into this relationship with a belief, a core belief (one formed in childhood), that you are guilty for other people’s feeling bad. Maybe a parent blamed you for making them feel bad. Maybe you had a parent who felt badly a lot and you felt (as children do) that you caused it.

So what may be happening is that you are … fighting this core belief, focusing on any sign of you being blamed (when you are blamed… and when you are NOT), and arguing against the accusation.

Such a core belief can distort your understanding of his verbal input, make you jump the conclusion that something (blaming) is going on when it is not.

Are you open to consider what I just wrote? let me know.

anita