Hey, James –

Maybe I missed it, but I did not realize that the two of you were sleeping apart.

Let me share my situation, as it may help.

In 2001, I took a new job three states away. Our girls were 2 and 4 then and, since I was out of state, they started sleeping with Mommy. Just made sense with Daddy gone. A few months later, we purchased a new home in our new state and were all again settled under one roof. But the girls stayed in our bed while I was relinquished to the guest room. My wife said it made them feel safe and they shared so much of their day with her as they were going to sleep. Being the nice guy and seeing how it made them happy, I gave.

Now, let me add that my wife has never been big into “doing it and whenever we would have a “date” (yes, sex) she would wait until both girls were asleep and then would visit the guest room. With each passing year, my anger quietly grew. This continued for years – until January of 2016. Yes, 15 years – until one was away in college. I finally put my foot down (probably ridiculously late) and said out loud, “Look! I am your husband, I belong in my bed with you!” She couldn’t deny that I was right. Fortunately, our high school aged daughter who was still at home was all too happy to start sleeping in her own room.

I tell you ALL of this because our sleeping apart hurt much more than it helped. Now, I’m sure some people may disagree, but I cannot see how. If I did it all over again, I would have moved our girls to their rooms after just a year or two. Pure and simple: your girls need to see an example of a husband and wife who share a bed. And your wife needs to know that a.) You are a wonderful and caring guy who’s putting her needs before your own, but can still be b.) The man of the house who sleeps with the woman he married.

Again, sorry to share so much about my story. But I believe that your going to the basement (sleeping away from the bed that is rightly yours) will only add to your current frustration and anger.

Get back to me and we’ll go from there. And I’m here – and happy you reached out.

Ninja