Dear esther08:

How is your mother dependent on you and what is your relationship with her like? I wonder if you discussed this that I asked with a therapist in the past.

Here is a possible explanation to what is going on, just a possibility:

You feel trapped living with your mother. You want to be free of the entrapment with her so you “run away” traveling, pretending you are free in this other place and that other far away country. You love freedom, freedom from your mother.

But you keep coming back to your mother. At this point, you can’t pretend anymore that a trip to Japan means freedom. You’ve done traveling before and you already know you come back to the same-old-same-old entrapment.

Whatever motivation you had to study and travel; to work so to make the money to travel- the motivation is gone because your most urgent need is and has been- to get away from your mother.

Like I said, just a possibility- feel free to correct, deduct, extract and edit it.

anita