Dear esther08:

You wrote about your mother:
“*she can’t deal with criticism of any kind and
*theres a sadness to her, like she’s given up on life…
*i can’t express my hurt or pain with things, because i worry it will upset her…
*She’s told me she would never throw me out and its almost as if shed be happy i stay forever, that can’t be right…. she has said if i move out she will help me with nothing”

She pays you to live with her. She will withdraw all financial help if you leave.
You can’t criticize her, not at all, so you can’t assert yourself with her. You can’t have your way, if your way upsets her. And you can’t express your feelings, because it will upset her.

You wrote: “I don’t want freedom from my mother, i think i just want a healthy relationship with her, not one where we feel like a couple all most.”- this is a loaded sentence. There is a disturbing element of emotional incest, an unhealthy relationship between the two of you and nothing you can do to make it healthy. So in effect, you do need freedom from your mother.

The living arrangement with your mother is money in exchange for your freedom. When you are not free, and you are not, life does feel purposeless and decisions feel pointless. Not a good living arrangement for you, the price you pay is too high.

Share more, if you’d like, about the emotional incest, perhaps?

anita