Dear Poppy:

Trying to fix a parent, or trying to fix a relationship with a parent is a trap for the one trying to do the fixing. When you are a professional counselor, or psychotherapist, people come to you for help. They feel distress and want relief, believing, at the time or contacting you and showing up to sessions, that you can help them, at least, they are giving it a try. They value you, for a while, at the least (for as long as they show up and pay!), as one capable of helping them.

But this is not the situation with your mother, is it? You wrote that “She gets offended by my advice.” A client, or patient attending therapy and having confidence in the therapist will not be offended by the therapist’s input. In your original post here, you wrote that she told you: “you need to practice what you preach”- she has no confidence in you, as one to be able to help her. Then you “asked her if she wanted to talk to which she said no”- what kind of a psychotherapy session would it be with a client stating this?

And yet, you are trying to help her. You wrote: “I have tried to reason with her and explain she needs to talk with Dad..”-

Your mother may love you, whatever that means. Clearly what it does not mean, her love, is valuing your input, valuing you as a potential source of help to her (or to yourself!)-

When a person does not value you as a potential source of help- you can’t possibly help them.

But it gets even … crazier than this (and I have been there)- this is the illogical part:

in reality you need her help, you are trying to … make her be there for you, help you. You are the one chasing her for help, not the other way around.

So what do you do when she cries in front of you about something your father said or did? You say to yourself something like: my mother is feeling pain but she does not want my help. She doesn’t think of me, or values me as someone who can help her. She is crying because it makes her feel better. It relieves her tension.

And so, you understand what is going on, you let her cry. It makes her feel better.

anita