Dear Ana:

I wish you didn’t feel shame for your situation. Without shame you would feel and function so much better. I wish you didn’t compare yourself to others- you had your unique childhood- with a different childhood, you would have been living a different life.

You asked about anti-depressants. I was on SSRI anti depressants for 17 years. At first I felt better, but overall, my life circumstances during those years got worse. I finally got off all psychiatric drugs and am glad I did.

Your alcoholic father still lives with your mother, correct? You will be going back to the same dynamics if you return to Portugal? I wonder if you can get competent psychotherapy there… that would be a consideration, if I was you, although going back to the same dynamic at home would be a huge danger for me.

Why don’t you open up to your one friend, better do it before moving back to Portugal. Why not check if there is counseling, free of charge, that you can attend in the Netherland. That would be my number one priority- get (free) short-term counseling as soon as possible, in the Netherland, for the purpose of deciding what to do next.

Please post again, anytime with more thoughts and feelings, and I will reply.

anita