Thank you Anita! I´ve been actually reading other posts and I was hoping you would answer mine too, I saw your other entries and it really helps.
My parents were two very narcissistic piscies, my mother being emotionally overwhelming, my father being emotionally distant. They were masters on parental alienation – especially my mather, telling me to hate eachother. My therapist says I´m trying to escape them constantly, and therefore I left home, live really far away from them and work hard to have a life were I depend on them as little as possible.
What happened when I was without him was a very strange pattern of feeling happy and confident most of the time or anxious and self-loathing in the other. I used my single life to boost my self steem – every conquest made me love myself better. Sometimes I knew he was feeling good and complete just because I was there for him, but I still felt that, even though I was with this amazing man, I still felt that my life was incomplete, with my bad job and still unfulfilled dreams, and that investing my happiness only on him would turn me into my mother – unhappy, dependent, manipulative.
The crazy part is that trying to escape her, I feel I´m repeting her mistakes.
I don’t feel he (my boyfriend) understands this very well, but I feel I´m guilty for not sharing enough.