Dear debbie79:

When he told you he couldn’t do it anymore and you asked him if he was breaking up with you, he said you don’t understand. Following him saying that you insisted: “ARE YOU ENDING THIS?”-

That was a mistake on your part, a failure in communication. Clearly, your separation anxiety was triggered and all you wanted to know was if he was ending the relationship. Nothing else mattered to you at that point. It was like there was a siren in your brain going “danger! danger!” and you focused on nothing but that danger.

He was correct, I believe: you did not understand what he was saying or what was going on with him. The thing is, this is only a clear example of this dynamic, you being very afraid of the abandonment danger (this is why you kept asking him initially if he really wanted to marry you; you were too scared to find comfort in the notion and looked for reassurance that marriage was really going to happen).

I don’t know the man, of course. What I do understand nonetheless is that he has been alone with his struggles. This is why he said that you didn’t understand. You were simply too focused on the “danger!” – then and before- to be mentally available to see what is going on with him.

Will communicate further with you, if you’d like, following your next thoughts.

anita