Dear debbie79:

I think that communicating with him further is the right thing to do, absolutely. First, you need information. Then, it is possible for a good relationship to be revived and improved. You are clearly interested in examining this option, so yes, do initiate communicating with him.

When and how is the question.

You wrote above that he had the perfect opportunity, if he was faking it, to end the relationship when things blew over regarding Daisy. That would be true if he was reasonable and calm enough to take such … perfect opportunity. Clearly, he has been distressed for a long time, not sleeping or eating well and he is not reasonable and calm. He is not a cold hearted manipulator, planning and executing a long-held plan to end the relationship.

Also, I don’t think that his distress, what you refer to as his depression is only about his work. From my life experience, such has origin in one’s childhood, most likely. There were troubles in the relationship with you, so those added to his distress.

The fact that he spent over 25,000 on the wedding and he is not generous in a material way (you wrote), means he was very serious about the wedding.

* the idea that he as been faking it, or going through the motions- he made a statement to that affect when he said he tried to make himself believe what he was saying to you, meaning he didn’t say it believing it… ? It makes much more sense to me that he felt deep dissatisfaction with the relationship (and his life overall) way before he expressed such to you.

When he told you repeatedly (and that is very meaningful to me), that he can’t do this anymore. And then he said: you are not listening to me, I can’t do this anymore-

That was the time to ask him: WHAT can’t you do anymore? What are you doing that is so difficult for you? It was time to say: I am listening to you now, please tell me what it is that is so very difficult for you to do? Or.. tell me MORE about it.

Maybe this is what you should ask him, going back to that statement that he made and ask him. Tell him you want to understand. Really, you have the right to know. I wouldn’t approach him with any anger but with as much gentleness as you can muster, so to increase your chances of getting an honest answer.

Approach him just-for-information, in a gentle, patient, non-threatening, non-confrontational way. Tell him you have the right to know, that you will not argue with him, you just want to understand, that you need to understand.

And this is what I believe at this point, that you need information, from him. If and when you reach out to him for information, be prepared to whatever he may say. He may not answer right away, and if you get angry because he didn’t answer, you have little chance for future communication. So be very patient, prepare maybe for a series of short conversations before he opens up.

Really, he owes you information. His investment of money in the wedding is substantial, but so is your emotional investment.

anita