Dear Debbie:

Just in case you are reading this, I would like to give you my final thoughts, having read through all your writings and having time to think more. I will make this as short as possible.

Your relationship with this man was not abusive. He was not abusive to you and you were not abusive to him. From all your writings, it reads to me like the two of you are decent people.

His job problem, a big stressor, your dissatisfaction with his friend, and any other challenge in his life contributed greatly to his stress level-

But the stress within the relationship with you started from the beginning, when you asked him “all the time, did you feel pressured to get engaged?”- you sensed his distress, this is why you asked him, repeatedly.

“His answer always was no… I WANT TO MARRY YOU! I would randomly ask him, joking around, you still want to marry me & his answer was always the same, ‘of course I want to marry you! You are the best thing that has every happened to me! I love you & you are going to be my wife’”.

This answer as well as the many loving expressions throughout, were about Debbie-pleasing. He is not only (other) People Pleaser, he has been a Debbie-Pleaser. Saying and doing the right things to please you, including planning on a big wedding and paying the vendors ahead of time.

At one point, the payoff he enjoyed from pleasing you, that is, that you thoughts so highly of him, thinking he is an amazing, most loving, patient guy, leading a “Perfect relationship”- this payoff became way less than his stress. In other words, he suffered within the relationship more and more, until he lost his loving feelings.

When you broke down and cried about his friend, he may have realized then, that his Debbie-Pleasing efforts were not successful. All his sacrifice and you were not happy, after all.

When he told you at the end that he can’t do this anymore, he meant, he can’t Debbie-Please anymore.

Your part in the failure of this relationship is your attachment to the “and they lived happily ever after” fairytales so many women have been expecting for centuries, looking up to him to meet your fairytale expectations of a Perfect Prince, a fairytale, fancy wedding… and a happily-ever-after walking into the sunset living.

You detected his distress but conveniently, and understandably believed his words fitting a prince’s talk in those fairytales.

I think he felt affection and love for you, but at one point, his Debbie-Pleasing ways drained his loving feelings.

If you got back with him, and he went back to his Debbie-Pleasing ways, and you went back to the Fairytale expectations, another meltdown will happen, or a loveless, lonely, angry relationship will follow. If you got back with him, you will need to get to know him as the man that he is (not the perfect prince that he is not), and he will need to be that man that he is.

Is he or would he be able to just be himself, as imperfect as he is- I don’t know. He probably felt that you wouldn’t love him if he was just him. Thing is, he may have been correct. If you did get back together, you may not like him for who he is.

anita