Dear carolyn,

I totally get how it would make sense for him to ask you instead of ripping open.

However, I think that one incident is a small symptom of some much deeper things–of course, as you have shared. So, in that sense, let the incident go, and really find a way to get to the bottom of your relationship.

Oddly enough, I suggest you begin with yourself. You do have to know yourself and heal yourself before you can be the best YOU to bring to a relationship and see clearly enough as to what is really going on. The tough thing is that many times, as women we find ourselves in unequal yokes with our men, even if the problems don’t seem to rise to divorce level. But it’s just years of quiet misery, and we don’t actually have a partner who will help us move forward.

But we can’t wait for the other person, even in a marriage. Find YOU; find your contentedness; find YOUR boundaries; do YOUR healing work. Don’t wait for him. Just be as benevolent and merciful to him as you can, and meanwhile love yourself more than anyone you know loves you, including your husband. He may not ‘come around’, ever, but still, your rising to a new level of being you is going to have a good influence on him. You’ll learn skills of how to help with your in-laws too.

No magic wand. Lots of day-in-and-out practice. But the good news is you don’t have to wait for them to ‘grow up’. You can find you, without their permission or participation.

Once you are healed as yourself, you’ll see more clearly what is needed in your marriage.

I wish you the best. Soooo not easy.

Been there,
~Jennifer