Dear Anita,

But she is clinically depressed and suffering from anxiety. These things she had not before we became partners. I have seen her fall down into the dark place. She always said to me that I’m doing this to her, but she believes in me. But she believes I can stop doing that and we can become a good couple. And I lied some more to her, sometimes about things I don’t even remember anymore, yet she keeps remembering new things and bringing them up. And they sound really true, like something I could do and might have done.

My punishment as you call it, is it not fitting? I have destroyed her life, I have wrecked her mind, she is now depressed and unable to move on with her life. How is it not fitting that I now do everything in my power to help her? How can I know that she enjoys my position as submissive, and doesn’t just want to get better, back on her feet? And if she wants it, on what basis am I not required to help her move on, when it was me who brought her down?

My low libido is rather closely tied to my low testosterone and maybe to a long history of watching porn and masturbation – it took 15+ years for me to understand that this is a major problem and I need to quit it, and I quit it immediately – it turns out I never needed it in the first place – but maybe harm to me is already done. I should see a sexuologist about this probably or maybe psychotherapist. Or both.

Somewhere deep within me there is a voice that tells me “Anita is right, you needn’t to bear with this anymore” but what if this is a voice that tells me to run away from problems? What if it’s trying to tell me to abandon someone I should stay with and try to help no matter what?