I can only assume I have some very (very) young childhood memories as my older sister is at home, i.e. not at school, so that places my memories at 2yo at the latest. The first is a very frequent one where my mother threatens to leave, goes upstairs to pack a suitcase (banging around upstairs) then the suitcase being dumped by the front door with another threat “my case is packed now, if you two don’t behave (we were not misbehaving, this is some problem my mother has) I am going now”. I remember this being totally horrific, and I would feel sick, that she might leave. That’s all, just the horror and sick (as in I’m about to throw up) feelings. Then one day she did (my sister is not there now so she must have started school), I remember the absolute horror, her locking me in the house, and me banging on the front window screaming and crying, as I watched her drive off in the car. I was only aware of horror and total fear. Funny, I can still look back and remember the feelings, but emotionally they do nothing to me now. Her doing this was maybe just twice as I have no memories of her doing this when I am older, say 4 or 5.

In my teenage years this caused huge problems with dating, I was always literally paranoid that my girlfriend would dump me, as they all did eventually anyway… apart from the last one, where that fear is gone and this girl eventually becomes first wife. I never worried at all that my marriage would ever end – as it did in such a horrific way after 23 years. “in my heart” I knew I never needed to fear… If she did never love me (as she said) then she was a very good con artist! That is probably the “main” reason why the shock was so great, then when she turned nasty…. .

Ah well, at least I can now talk about the surface of it and I’m not getting stressed tonight.

Thanks,
Ian.