Dear Ian:

I read your last post and went back to one before it where you were wondering how you should grieve the ending of your first marriage.

This is how I see it: thoughts and emotions are mingled in our brains, neuropathways were formed in childhood (those Formative Years) and those connections, aka pathways, remain through adulthood. They do not disintegrate with time. Future emotional learning means more pathways, inserting a new connections into the old. With successful therapy, difficult pathways, those that cause you most suffering, can being undone, little by little, over time, mindfulness and work.

The pathways formed in the young Ian during those experiences you described (and those you forgot), exist. These pathways are not separate from the new pathways formed as a result of your divorce twenty years ago. Pathways are interconnected, old and new.

When you were a young child, you didn’t have past experiences to project into your present, so what you felt accurately fit with reality. For example, when you felt hurt, it meant someone really hurt you (you didn’t misunderstand; it really happened).

What you feel now is often what you felt as a child (those childhood pathways activated), therefore, your current feelings carry the information about the reality of your past. You don’t have to remember events and details. Your feelings indicate that you were in danger, that a parent hurt you, etc.

I hope this is somewhat helpful. I will be back in a few hours.

anita
anita