Dear winchester1990:

The solution you’ve been applying: the Lose (for you, you are building anger and resentment, lack of contentment in the relationship)- Win (for him, his feelings don’t get hurt, he get all your time and attention with no limits on his own behavior) is not sustainable. It cannot work long term. Soon enough you will express that anger you are building. Somehow you will express it and he will feel hurt. Then it will be a Lose-Lose relationship that best be terminated.

You really don’t have a choice, if you want to benefit him (!) other than making it a Win for you. It is either Win-Win or Lose-Lose.

First, realize: you can’t heal him. He has to do the work. He may very well need competent psychotherapy and you are not qualified, neither are you in the objective position required, to give him that kind of help.

The present and future of this relationship is not all up to you. It is 50%- 50%. If he was a young child and you were his mother, then you would have that 100% responsibility. Well, you are not his mother.

How to communicate with him without him feeling hurt? My simple answer is: you can’t. He will feel hurt. The more complex answer is: always be respectful to him. Do not be aggressive toward him. Do all you can so he has safety in the relationship with you. Nothing is possible without that. At the same time, be assertive, respectfully assertive. Make yourself, your needs, your wants visible to him. Tell him the relationship needs to be Win-Win. Tell him when you need a break from him and why, but respectfully, without aggression.

“how I could communicate these things with him without making him feel worse?”- respectfully AND assertively; non-aggressively and honestly. You can practice here, by coming up with your part of a planned conversation with him, and I will give you my input on it.

anita