Dear Fenrir:

You asked me in an earlier post: “Do you have any suggestions as to how i can change my mental habits?”

You can change the anxious mental habit by engaging only in safe relationships. There might be only ONE such safe relationship in your life- and that may be enough, as is more than many people have. This one safe relationship is with your girlfriend. That safety is what will make it possible to heal from that anxiety and the worrying and looking for evidence of looming danger. Talk with her about the importance of that safety. Talk with her about the importance of the following policy in regard to this relationship: ZERO aggression, no matter what.

Lots of people think it is impossible to have zero aggression in a relationship, but it is possible. Disagreements and conflicts can be resolved without aggression. Practicing EAR: Empathy, Assertiveness and Respect when communicating makes it possible to practice zero aggression on both sides. Keep talking about this with her through disagreements and future conflicts so that you build the trust you need that indeed, it is safe for you, long term, to relax in relationship with her.

Abstaining from unsafe relationships (with other people) is most important in healing from the mental habit we are talking about. Relationships where you feel danger will encourage the mental habit that keeps you unhappy.

anita