Dear bricklady:

Lets see: you met your now ex boyfriend in May 2016 and were taking it slow. But only two months later you were already staying overnight at his place, with his children and a few months later, the intent was that you move in. The whole relationship moved along very quickly, in my view, unlike the intent and plan to take “it slow so we could all build a relationship.” This is one ingredient here that I noticed- a fast pace.

You wrote: “We both felt that our relationship was never the problem but the way he was overthinking every aspect in his life was throwing him for a loop….I am willing to go to couples counseling.”

But if the relationship was never the problem, as you wrote, what would be the use of couple counseling? According to your sharing, the problem is his, not yours and not the relationship. So individual therapy would be what is needed?

And then, if there is something wrong with his thinking, his reasoning, then automatically there is a problem in the relationship, which is now over, at this point anyway.

What you presented here, on this thread, is a situation where you did everything right and he did the wrong, due to his medical/ mental in-wellness. This may very well be true. Thing is, if it is all him, there truly is NOTHING at all that you can do. If it was partly something ineffective that you did, then there would have been something- if given the chance- that you could still do.

If he owns the problem, 100%, then your thinking that it is related to the time-line (fresh divorce and, I say, fast pace relationship with you) is a big factor. His medical problems, elevated blood pressure and weight gain- big factor as well. Understandably, being AFRAID as he is, he is retracting, in self protection. No wonder he withdraws from your mutual friends as well- they support you.

What is wrong with your mutual friends supporting you to him? Only one thing: neither they nor you understand the magnitude of his fear, I am thinking. He is simply too afraid.

anita