Dear John:

With your ex, “It was all about my issues and not looking at her own.”- and this is how it is turning to be with your current girlfriend. It may even be a payoff on her end, seeing the problems being with you frees her from the distress of looking at the problems in her thinking and behavior, as in dealing with the anger behind her tone of voice.

Over time, this is not workable, to keep her in a relationship with you by taking 100% responsibility for what you are not fully responsible. That frees her from distress, but it adds to yours and is not sustainable.

What to do? When she tells you she suffers from low self esteem- that is an opening. Ask her questions, small, gentle questions to start with, encourage her to TALK about her low self esteem, her less-than-perfect childhood, less-than-perfect life. When she feels safe, when she feels you hear her, understand her, that will encourage her to talk more and as she talk, to be engaged in a balanced relationship were both parties need each other’s help, both have issues and both are resourceful in helping the other.

So, lay off telling her how her tone makes you feel and ask her questions, gently- over time. Withdraw from now, withdraw from looking at difficult issues with her. This is not the time. Take a break from difficult conversations and with a little time, when there is an opening ask her a question.

* When you tell her something like: your tone of voice makes me feel… You do give her valuable information, but reads to me she is not able at this time to do anything with this information. She is indeed defensive. Therefore, not the time. Establish safety first.

anita