Dear Dragonlily,

Oh dear, it sounds like you have spent your life waiting for someone else to make you happy. Your first boyfriend, then your parents, (who seem to have sent you away from your life), then your arranged marriage and now the flirt at work. (Newsflash, this behaviour is normal in all men, even 80 year olds). Well the only person who can make you happy is….YOU! Yes you! Your own best friend!

I’m assuming you are still in a foreign country. In Asia maybe? Where divorce is difficult? Otherwise you would have divorced your abusive husband and be bringing up your daughter on your own. Well here’s the thing. You have a husband. He hasn’t left you. Sit down with him and talk. Not over a romantic dinner or anything manipulative like that. Agree to put a date in your diaries, then sit down in a neutral space, and tell him you are unhappy, you are working on it but that you would like to be friends with him. It will take weeks or months, but there is a chance that you can learn to befriend each other. You have at least one thing in common and that’s your daughter. I’m not saying this is going to suddenly become the big romantic love of your life and even if it threatens to, don’t let it, because that’s just a big fantasy anyway. But show some compassion. He’s another human being who probably feels just as let down and isolated as you do. If you can’t work as friends then consider leaving and starting afresh. To do that you will need to build a loyal network of friends and family who will stick by you (alone) whatever. This is all going to take work. Relationship work, but it’s the alternative to victimhood, which might be comfy, but won’t take you anywhere.

Oh and as for the mindfulness – go to the App store and look for Headspace or one of the other mindfulness apps.

Painterly