Dear hungryhamster:

In your second post on the thread you wrote about your ex boyfriend: “he is a great person”- but in your last post, he doesn’t read to me like a great person: “he didn´t treat me the way he could. He tried only at the beginning. Then, as he get what he wanted…” And he wasn’t supportive of you; when you shared your anxiety with him: “he was also annoying and he mentioned many times he couldn´t get what I was afraid of”

You wrote “I think I´m trying really hard to not be depressive or hysterical, or so”- I understand you to mean that you practice some self discipline over how you express your distressing feelings. I see this as admirable. It is healthy and right for you to express your feelings, and to practice reasonable self discipline so to not overwhelm another person.

You wrote: “I also tried to not be a boring lover”- this means to me you were very concerned about him enjoying himself, keeping him interested. But when anxious this way, fearing he will be bored, you are not relaxed enough to “forget yourself” enough to enjoy the intimate time you had with him.

You wrote that he broke up with you, telling you: “I can´t see any future for us. I think we´re in the end of our path.” Later he said to you: “If you said this to me before you agreed on the break up I would PROBABLY change my mind!”- saying that “you agreed on the break up” doesn’t read honest to me, because when he broke up with you, he didn’t ask you if it was okay for you to end the relationship. He told you, he didn’t ask.

And so I agree with your understanding that “It seems like a pretty excuse.”

You wrote that you drank alcohol, so you were able to communicate with his friends. Alcohol calmed your anxiety, during that time. But later, when you weren’t drinking you were “quiet all the time”- alcohol and any other drug does not heal us from anxiety, as you well know. Healing takes time and work and the calming of it is gradual and permanent, not instant and temporary.

I believe that you are intelligent enough to communicate with any university graduate. They have topics you don’t know much about, and you have topics they don’t know much about.

Regarding your one friend who has Asperger´s. You wrote that he respects you, understands you and is interested in you- all good things. Let him know you are afraid to hurt him, and let him know your other concerns, do so respectfully and listen to his response. As you have an honest, open and respectful conversation (a series of conversations) with him, you will be clearer about what to do next, start a relationship, continue a friendship or otherwise.

anita