Dear jaguar55:

In your original post you asked regarding your current relationship (if it can be called that, being as limited as it is): “How do I get the strength to move on from this relationship? What do I say to him to get him to understand how cruel he is to my emotions?”- seems like you are not sure IF you want to move on from this relationship because you still want him to understand “how cruel he is to (your) emotions.”

Reads to me like he is not able to be affectionate with you, or with anyone, assuming he never was affectionate with you. If so, you can consider him handicapped this way. It is not reasonable to ask someone to be what he is not. The reason you think he is cruel is because you feel so alone, you “feel lost”, like you “have no worth”- and it seems to you that if only he understood how you feel, he would be… who he is not, affectionate.

This man was born like any other baby, affectionate. That inclination was probably crushed in him as his parents did not return his affection; maybe even attacked him, cruelly. He survived his life- relatively comfortable, not showing affection.

Again, if he was always severely affection-deficient with you, then you are trying to get water out of a rock. Consider him an unaffectionate friend, if you will, but give up seeing him as a boyfriend. For affection, approach a man who is capable of such.

Next, in your original post, you asked: “How do I stop the cycle of being with men who don’t value me?”- the man who died, unfortunately for you, reads like he didn’t belong in that cycle or pattern of men who didn’t value you. And so, that cycle you are referring to was already broken (before being resumed), correct?

Your first husband preferred his friends. I don’t know the nature of that marriage. Maybe you initiated arguments with him, complained about his behavior frequently and he found peace with his friends? I don’t know.

For a better understanding on my part, it takes time of back and forth; waiting for your response.

anita