Dear Anonymous,

I think it is very good that you are self-reflecting instead of blaming. Already this is sign of making progress toward understanding and healing yourself. In my experience, there is something behind the anger – often it is grief, in which case, the anger has served as a sort of protection. You can only peel it off when you see what is behind it. It seems like you already know that at some level.

Your CBT techniques for anxiety should serve you for becoming mindful of your anger, rather than identifying with and reacting from it. Following the breathing techniques suggested will also help. What happens is that you begin to develop a sort of stimulus barrier between you and those things that might trigger you. That kind of barrier gives you a space to process what’s coming in before you unconsciously react to it. Instead of an immediate response, you say to yourself, “okay, here’s that feeling again” and you can choose not to react. If you keep track of this kind of thing, you’ll see your patterns.

You are very good at seeing that “anxiety creeps in”. Something in you can see that it is an autonomous factor in you, and not really you. Again, you can work with that particular feeling when you feel it coming on – recognize that it starts trouble in your life and don’t buy into it in the moment. Anxiety is often unfinished inner business that needs careful tending. If we project that outward and look for security externally, we can’t really get to anxiety’s meaning in our lives. It will always attach itself to the next thing to worry about.

You are right, pretentiously exuding love is corny. When you really feel it, it exudes from you. You don’t do it. When you find your center and trust who you are, you won’t have to exude anything – you will shine on your own.

jes