Anita,

Thank you for this response. It is true, I have certainly lost my rational side. I feel so much jealousy and pain that I can barely see through it. I can barely acknowledge the facts – the facts being that I did make the right decision to leave him, that he is still drinking, that he hurt me over and over because of his erratic and selfish behavior. But it still feels so unfair that he is able to move on so quickly, to be able to invest in someone else. It feels like I’m the only one suffering, that his pain only stems from hurting me and not missing me or not being able to be with me. I feel a dark cloud over me every morning, and wake up with anxiety in the middle of the night.

I so badly want to feel center again. I want to make a plan for how to deal with it, and stick to it, but every day my emotions change so rapidly. The only major step I’ve taken is blocking him from my phone. But I feel like I have so much to say to him still, mostly because I want some kind of explanation, I want him to say things to make me feel better. I know that isn’t going to happen though, yet I cling to it. I know people handle things differently, but I was the first woman he has loved and I know he loved me deeply. We talked about marriage, we were moving in together. It baffles me how he could be so able to give that to someone else this quick. Thoughts of him moving on make me nauseous. No matter how much I try and control my thoughts, they seem to spiral into sadness and despair.