Hi Anita,

Relationships seem to be a popularity contest, not a comfort zone, not a loving place anymore for me. Twice now i have had a relationship fail because the guy wants me to be more and more of what he expects of me and not myself. I have to be more organised for him, more outgoing, more in touch with his family etc…basically to fit the role of a mother.

I have a problem with social anxiety, i often feel drained if i am uncomfortable and can analyse events afterwards often with some slight that someone has made towards me…this happened a lot with my ex. But now, i believe myself instead of doubting what my experience was. The people i met with him were flaky, fake and often flirted with him or were jealous and ignored me…it wasnt my imagination. It wasnt fun but he wanted me to come out more and i pulled back. He had a few nice friends but it became a struggle for me to go out when i felt anxious about it and i wanted more and more to stay in…he got tired of that and felt cut off from life…i felt i failed him in that respect, i lost him with that and the few times when we had a great time together. This also happened in my previous relationship. I guess the problems happen when they refused to do things i want to do but instead demand more of me.

As far as the women with children is concerned…to a certain extent i feel that where i live it is a big deal. Making friends is difficult without children, i am seen as a threat to stability or as a childish person of no purpose. Having children gives women a position of some responsibility and respect and i guess power too. It seems to me that men really actually want…a mother, and she is one already.

I think that women are conditioned in the world anyway to believe a woman who has married has “made it”. The guy picked her and made it to the altar, its a respect thing that we are conditioned to expect when in reality men fall short of the image all the time. It starts very early with cartoons and disney princess characters. Whether we like it or not, the dream that someone will take care of you or be your soulmate i think is just there in the back of your head. But i have never dreamed of marriage, in fact i have an aversion to wedding dresses and the whole pressure of it, we both werent into it really. I just wanted the commitment which of course was promised in the beginning. I saw some old emails, he was saying he was my husband, i was his wife, he told people we would get married but it never happened…he seems to be unable to do it and made excuses. I guess i was had.

What i cant bear, is that she will be what he wants when i was not…that he will make a commitment to her and that this will show me that i am not worthy of that. It will also tell me that i am no good socially..because she will have met his needs there too.