Hi Anita,  its been a while since i was describing a terrible week in which my ex told me he had met someone, was confused and wanted both of us, but missed me and then finally decided on her…because she is new and im old. then told me he loved her. It hurts so much to think about. Life is very cruel sometimes, someone who was always mine suddenly treating me so coldly. Men in a candy shop, women in emotional hell.

I havent been much better since that time, the feeling of needing to run away is getting less but i still get physical pain and have to walk a lot to get rid of it. I have been staying with my parents because i was such a mess i couldnt be alone. It makes me feel like such a failure that i cant stand on my own. I was looking for the longest time for a dog to be a companion but cant find one that fits with me…i joined an online dating site but feel so unsure of my decisions, i dont really like any of them anyway and there are so few people in my area anyway, i just dont trust it, i feel like they are out to use me. A friend said i should call my ex if i still feel so strong about him but i cant do that either…I just keep wishing he will regret his decision but everything about the way he is suggests he will never contact me again. im waiting for a miracle. for him to come running back.

Work has not been so good either, i just dont know who or what i am supposed to be anymore. I dont have money to do anything, to plan a break to get my mind off it. My mom suggested i need to move to the city, i just felt dispair….i have moved a few times in my life, different countries, different lives..its very hard, very lonely and i dont know if i can do it again alone.

today i just felt such pain thinking of how much i wanted to be with my ex…it seems impossible to switch that off. the rule of “pick a time to think about it” just doesnt apply. I was trying to stop myself from crying at work towards the end of the day.. i reckon i am starting to develop fear of the weekend too…empty days to fill alone.

When i was alone before i met him, i lived alone but with my parents nearby and work…i know i went a little mad with so much time on my hands. I feel like something has to break, either me or the cycle of loneliness im in.