Hi Anita,

Thank you for your reply. A lot of what you said rings very true to me. I struggle because he does communicate well with me- the first man to do so in my life- and we are able to talk about these issues openly. He will listen to what I have to say. Won’t walk away when I’m crying. So these times when we’re “fighting” (really they are just more of long discussions), I feel a good emotional connection to him. But other times…not so much. I feel as if I spend a lot of time attempting to understand him, his needs, and where he is coming from. I don’t always feel that I get the same treatment- that he views my need for more down time and planning as laziness and anxiety, or simply as not making him a priority. He’s said things like “you could put 70% of the effort in at school and still get a 4.0,” but doesn’t seem to understand that I want to put that effort in at school, that it’s important to me. For him, school is a means to an end and his activities are his priority.

He wants me to to come along on his activities because he wants to share the things he loves, and I enjoy these activities too- just not at the intense level he does (I might like a 10 mile bike ride, while he wants to go for 40).  He says he wants to share in the things that I love, but says I don’t invite him to do so. And we go back to the me not having time issue.

He’s never once referred to himself as anxious, he doesn’t believe he struggles with anxiety, though my anxiety is always an issue in our relationship. It’s funny that you point that out, because I’ve always secretly guessed that his behavior is anxious behavior due to the fact that he always needs stimulus/distraction and/or to not be alone. He’s one of those people that is on his phone 24/7 and is always doing 4 things at once. I’m more of your steady, want to be present with who I’m with and what I’m doing kind of people. The thing is, when his attention is on me, it’s great. But many times his attention is split if it’s there at all. He was previously in a 12 year relationship, dated a few other women short term in the interim before meeting me, but sometimes I think he just wants the security, stability, and comfort of a long-term relationship without putting in the day-t0-day effort to get there.

I suppose I just worry that I was single for so long, without ever dating (for at least 2-5 years) that I sometimes think I am selfish and needy and don’t make time for others the way that I should. But I do spend a lot of time with him, even if it’s just eating dinner together. But then he’ll say things like “most of the time all we do is I cook dinner for you.” The one thing you said- about him never being satisfied with my efforts- really struck a cord with me. I’m afraid that’s how I feel, but I’m also afraid that my expectations are too high.

• This reply was modified 7 years, 8 months ago by Kayla.