Hi Kayla,

Sorry to hear you broke up, but I think it’s for the best. If you are anything like me, you will have regrets for not trying this or that. Or perhaps thinking you were too judgmental and not patient enough, but I have really made an effort to remember all the “actual behaviors” that were really off-putting and concentrating on that.

Gosh even reading your subsequent messages was so eerily familiar.

“he has pretty much decided that those are aspects of himself and his ADHD that he is not willing to change or work on” Gosh sounds so familiar! I got told parts of his personality were part of the ADHD and he can’t change them as it’s part of ADHD, and I was quite naive and was like agreeing and thinking that must be the case. But I realise now ADHD was a bit of an excuse to not change his own behaviour. ADHD from my understanding is about concentration, distractibility etc not about stubbornness and having to do things your way all the time.

My ex would also get angry at people for such menial things, where I thought he should of been the one apologizing. He would shift the blame on to them, without looking at himself. I would pull him up on it, but it took such effort for him to realise maybe I had I point and I knew it was constantly going to be draining trying to point out a different perspective. All those things add up, and starts to drain you and you get this sinking feeling in your gut that something isn’t right (but can’t always put your finger on it, because for the most part he seems like he really cares about you).

My ex and I sort of ended in good terms too, but interestingly enough, he used all my “issues/anxiety” that I opened up to him about as a way to try and say “I have big issues and need lots of help!” Don’t worry, I told him to “cut the crap” and knew exactly what he was doing, “trying to paint me as crazy, so he can feel better with the decision I had made and take no responsibility in looking at himself”. I was like “ah, ah, I know I do have issues, we all do, but I am not crazy and I have been working on myself with therapy”. He did apologize and realised he was trying to paint me as crazy, but I am sure he’s still using that narrative with others about me to sooth himself.

So it’s good you ended on good terms, but just be careful he doesn’t try and shift blame back to you at some stage.

Anyway, I think you did the right thing. Just make sure you remember all those bad behaviors and don’t concentrate too much on all the good behaviors. That will help you move on and make you realise you made the right decision. In fact, this thread really helped me to realise I did make the right decision (because i still have moments where I question my motives). So thank you for sharing your story!

• This reply was modified 7 years, 8 months ago by Mia.