Hi Mia,

Thank you again, it is really nice to hear of someone else who has been through a similar situation! During the break-up talk, he sort of mentioned my “stress when we do his activities” but then also subtley tried to accuse me of not trusting him or thinking he was doing “things he’s not supposed to do” when he does activities without me. I’m assuming he’s referring to the fact that he does a lot of these activities with other women, including single women. I shut him down, immediately on both counts, and told him “that is not what is going on and I really don’t think it would be worthwhile or productive for us to get into that right now.” I’m seeing now how the issue was always the same but the blame shifted depending on my response to it. Going back to what Anita said about how he’s not likely to ever be satisfied. He refused to accept responsibility for being selfish with the way he “planned” things and did not try to ever take my schedule, wants, or needs into account when attempting to spend time with me. Instead, he tried several tactics to make it my “fault,” and each time I stepped up to correct the fault, somehow a new one would appear.

Right now I’m not struggling with the “I should’ve been more patient or less judgmental.” I’m struggling with the “I should have been more assertive, maybe if I had been stronger in pointing out these behaviors and done so earlier on, he would have responded better.” Meaning, he just needed a stronger, more assertive woman and I failed in that regard. But then I remember the times when, like you said, I did try to, extremely gently, get him to see another perspective and how he reacted and talked down to me, and I decided it wasn’t worth the energy and the sick feeling I got trying to make him look at things differently. Or the times I did firmly say “I need ___, or it hurts me when you do ____.” Strong woman or not, I have to remind myself that it’s not my responsibility to get him to change. If someone who loves you is gently trying to get you to see a new perspective, it is your job to try to be receptive to that, whatever the outcome. I know that whenever I hurt him or he tried to get me to see my flawed thinking, I thought about it carefully and usually ended up apologizing and tried to look at things from that perspective.

Like I said before, I can’t recall a time when he’s said the words “I’m sorry.” He has acknowledged his behavior, even acknowledged that he should do things differently, but I’ve never once heard him say he’s sorry. Those words are powerful and meaningful, and I wonder why he always held them back. To subtley make me feel like I was still the root cause of all of the issues? Because that’s what ended up happening.

I am taking your advice- I got really down yesterday thinking about all of the good behaviors. Now I’m trying to focus on all of the times I felt flat-out ignored, all of the times he was extremely passive aggressive, the times he refused to accommodate me and made me feel like I was bad or wrong for even having those wants or needs, the times he suggested I get on medication or see an endocrinologist or hinted that I was lazy. And I remember all that he didn’t do and didn’t see, all of the amazing things I have accomplished in my life, the challenges I’ve overcome, the dreams I have for myself. The focus was always, always on him- his needs, his dreams for the future, and how I fit into that. I love him, I do, and he did have some really amazing qualities. But like you said, I can see how he was already shifting the blame in his mind. My good quality is that I always seek to see the best in people. I need to remember that sometimes, like now, I need to focus on the flaws so that I can move on.

What you said about how your ex “used all my “issues/anxiety” that I opened up to him about as a way to try and say “I have big issues and need lots of help!” also really struck a chord with me. I opened my heart to this man, which was scary for me, and all of the things that I have struggled or had happen to me in the past somehow always become fodder for shifting blame on to me. I would talk to him about a want or need of mine not being met, and he would basically discredit my claim, saying it was due to anxiety or because of my “past issues.” But of course, I could never bring up how his past might be affecting his behavior.

It still hurts. I know it will take me awhile to move on from him and not miss all of the good things about him. But I need to remember that I am good too, I was good to him too, and I deserve, as Anita said, a win-win relationship. And so do you!!