Anita,

That sums it up very well and is exactly how I feel. This morning I couldn’t even get out of bed and it has been suggested to me by my boss to look into FMLA through human resources, although she’s not sure I’ve been with the company long enough. I told her I would call today and also give her a finite decision as to whether I’m staying or resigning. If I followed my intuition, I’d leave without another thought and take time to look for another position I feel better suited for without the fear and harsh self criticism that I’m lacking “it”, that thing other people who work the same job until retirement while raising a family and going to the shore a few weekends a year have.

My mom and dad worked very long hours and overtime my entire life to barely make ends meet. I was never given spending money and we only went on one family vacation but I was far from deprived and got to enjoy many experiences because they invested in me. My mom just went out on disability after having this diagnosis 2 years….she didn’t believe she was entitled or that she should. It got to the point where she couldn’t function properly to actually perform her job so she finally called social services and was immediately told she qualified. Now that she has stopped working, I think she realizes how much she missed over the last 40+ years.

My mom has always believed in me, no matter what bottom I self imposed. Yesterday we had a great conversation and I told her about what was going on. She does not expect me to be ‘normal’ and just wants to be supportive as I find my way. She says she’s proud of me for getting to where I am and while she hopes I can find a job fit she doesn’t seem disappointed, but she does seem worried. I feel guilty that I haven’t been the daughter she deserved and that I’ve had such difficulty as the result of these fears I struggle to let go. They did not intend to cause that damage and I do believe they unconditionally love me. I’m an adult and I cannot blame them for my fears; I deeply want to move beyond them.

Ive watched others leave jobs without a clue what they’d do next and they just carried on with faith it’d be okay. I can’t even escape when I’m asleep, I wake up throughout the night with this on my mind. The ramifications of that include erratic behavior, distancing myself from others/isolation, and irritability. And STILL I waver to make a choice! The answer is there I’m just resisting, and when I resist the problems begin.

Thank you for getting back to me, this is so helpful!