Anita,

When I think about it it wasn’t my mom who was financially afraid, it was my dad. He would make the limiting or fearful comments, the most memorable of which was when I was around 7 or 8 I asked for a toothbrush when we were in the grocery store; he told me we were going to lose the house. My mom took out equity from their house to loan a friend in trouble a large sum of money who never repaid it…years later (I was maybe 12) my dad found out. That was another epic fight I was privy to. I felt like a burden and couldn’t imagine why they wanted kids when we were just a financial drain. It was my dad who had the financial fear. Neither of them seemed discontented by working, though. They just simply didn’t make enough.

The vacations came into play because so many of my peers vacationed and as I got older I would go with them and their families, but never with my own. One particular friend became like my family, I spent all my time with them, including school nights as my brother had become violent at that time. I recall thinking of them as family but realizing I was not when they would have me take their family photo at Christmas or other holidays. That was never pointed out to me by my parents, it was a comparison I made myself. Traveling became very important to me and something I wanted to do.

When I did get to do things, like ski, I knew they couldnt afford it and felt guilty. My dad worked in a highway department for the government and there was a single ski run there for the cadets that employees could use, so I got to learn. I also did sports in school and got to be a part of the ski club.

Im not sure if my mom or dad felt trapped, but when I was young and there were frequent divorce threats I certainly perceived it that way. Also, I could see their choice was made for them.

The ‘it’ other people have, I’m not sure what it is. It could be complacency or contentment, laziness or gratitude. My first nursing job was on a surgical unit and I met a nurse who had worked there since the year I was born. At the time I was 21 and I couldn’t imagine walking that same hall for 21 years, 5 days a week with every other weekend off. It completely blew my mind. She seemed content to me, though.