Dear Kayla:

What happened is understandable, nothing weird about it: the noise of the roommate having company means more than noise to you: it means noise + the extra distress of your childhood experience being triggered. A connection in your brain has been made between party-like noise and the distress of being alone, not helped, not attended to.

I am sure there are other areas where the distress of childhood is being triggered, besides roommates not cleaning after themselves. No wonder your dream is to live alone in a one bedroom apartment, where you can control who is in your apartment, no parties can take place without your consent.

Your parents failed you. They should have attended to your distress and limited your brother’s partying significantly and maybe completely. If they did so, party/ company noise for you would be just that, noise.

There is a way to peel off the extra distress from the noise, so that noise is just noise, unpleasant, but not devastating, not overwhelming. And there is a way to peel off the distress from roommates not cleaning after themselves, so the mess is unpleasant, but not devastating. That extra distress of your distressed-and-alone/ neglected childhood experience can be “peeled off” your present everyday experiences.

This can be done with the help of a competent psychotherapist. You need the safety of an empathetic therapist who unlike your parents will SEE you, see your distress, understand your feeling.. make you understand yourself, so it all makes sense and you no longer feel weird or that you shouldn’t feel what you do.

One day, or night, noise will be just noise and a mess will be just a mess.

Do post anytime. You can share more, if you’d like and I will reply with more information, understanding (always checking with you to see if I am correct).

anita