Dear wildoceanflower:

Your last line is: “what does all that mean?” I will suggest to you what it all means, based on my quotes from your post, above. Consider it, if you will, and let me know what you believe is true and what is not.

“Im back and fighting myself so much i just dont know what to do or where to go.”- you are stuck in the past, specifically in this past relationship, because nothing of significance happened in your life since that relationship and nothing of significance is happening in your life at the present. Neither is there anything of significance that you can see happening in your future. Your life is at a standstill.

“I have done everything wrong. I got in touch with my ex again”- because there is nothing happening, you go back to the last place where something did happen, for the purpose of having something significant happen in your life.

“he led me along again, then told me no, he wanted to move on with his new relationship… I also went and met his gf… It wasnt the best thing to do i know that. But i HAD to. I wanted answers..and i got them. I knew he had lied about some things and at least i know. The fact he tried to deceive me means i feel its really through….but is it?”- you are not done with him even though he lied to you because there is nothing of significance going on in your life, no meaningful relationship that you are a part of. In this isolation ANYTHING is better than nothing.

“Every time, i come to the conclusion.. i say to myself its not ever going anywhere…and somewhere somehow there is a sign or feeling or i dont know what, and i am back wondering and hoping”-  You are back to wondering-and-hoping because a person can not live in a standstill isolation, a standstill of nothing-happening-life. A person needs a connection with others. Any connection is preferable to none.

“This woman thinks she can heal his addiction, shes sure of it. I told her he is never going to change. She shook her head, this woman has 2 children, i cant stand watching a car crash if i can prevent it. How can we all be so dumb? What is it about him?”- It is nothing about him. It is about the desperation of women: you and his current girlfriend. Maybe for her too, something-happening (even if it is leading to a crash) is preferable to nothing- happening.

“Part of the pain of all this letting go is knowing that for sure, he will never change.. maybe i would rather dream and fantasize of him and what could have been than dare to try with someone new..”- you have more faith in him changing (however unlikely) than you have faith in your ability to successfully initiate something of significant to change/ happen in your own life. In your mind, he is the only possibility of something happening, a connection, a meaningful, fulfilling life experience.

“I have never had such strong feelings like this before. He feels like my soulmate…i know it all sounds so wrong!”- it feels to you like he is the only possibility, your only hope.

“Tommorow, i feel i will wake up…and there will be another stupid sign, something to make me miss him…i bought a hat recently and when i saw him he said he has the same one”- today and tomorrow, a standstill. The title of your thread: “Unable to move forward”- a standstill.

Let me know, wildoceanflower.

anita