Hi Anita, thank you again for your help, again you give me some good and rational points. I sat and cried reading it. I just cant seem to come to that conclusion by myself. Ive rewritten this many times..my emotions have gone through everything, these days i can only expect more of the same. i cant get a handle on it.

Thing is that i have had some great support from friends, in particular trying to help me get out at weekends but they cant always be there and i need to meet more people. Reaching out to people is hard for me I feel unsure of myself, like my ex said..im a very private person and an introvert..he said I became so cut off at the end, and I know that’s true..i told him that we should have talked it out.

i miss his company so much. I just know from experience how bad it can be alone..even for him, a social extrovert..he said he couldn’t stand it..thats after he said he would probably be alone for a long time!

People generally arent too easy for me to get to know, im not a natural..i end up standing alone quite often.

She has convinced him that he is too old for me.  She said it to me in that kind of pitying, condescending way. and he had also asked me if i thought he was too old, did i really want to sit with him when he was 70.

It makes me feel bad, i said no, i never saw him the way he sees himself and she has obviously played on his doubts.

We were together 4 years. his gf before me was the same age as me and he was with her for 7 years..this woman is just 5 or 6 years younger than him. I hate the rationalisation of that’s why it doesn’t work..its not the age, its how he behaves!!

Meeting someone is going to be so hard. I dont feel ready for it and i dont know where to start having fun when i dont have an outgoing personality.During the time i was with him i NEVER was attracted to anyone else so i am not that easygoing. I must have met him by total fluke because I remember I was really unhappy back then. So i wasnt giving out any vibes that i was aware of, i remember thinking i had given up..i met him at work, it was a social event! can you imagine the torture it was for me to do that work?

I have tried new things, been out a few times with friends, walked all over the place, taken boring aimless journeys alone..but i dont go out enough. My friends are occupied with kids and other stuff they have going. Im really hung up on not having kids too..it suddenly became clear to me that this might have been the last chance I got. I really wanted it all with him but he didnt.

Ive been concerned with money now im alone. I need another job but have not found anything so far, several other things are not coming through for me..it all mounts up.

In contrast, my ex told me not to worry about him because he made a lot of money last year, he bought himself a new car..i dont know why he felt the need to shove it in my face, since i certainly supported him getting there. i told him it was unkind to say it. And interestingly his girlfriend said he was worried about me …so why does he criticise me so much to my face? Since he was making all these stabs..i inadvertently returned the favor and said something unkind about the car..i could see he was hurt by it because it hit home about something someone else had also said..i felt regretful and also just a bit of ‘yeah, you deserved that’.

I know its about making steps forward, i guess i feel i made some and nothing happened, no new connections and no excitement..there is no miracle cure for me im just one girl of many, he had parties to go to, lots of invitations and met her within weeks and she was also outgoing and jumped as soon as she got the chance… i feel im waiting…for them to break up?

But the worst is just that i cant STOP. I think one thing and lay it to rest, but 1 hr later i think ill just text him this..he is sick of it and i am sick of myself. Its not that often, i left him alone for 2 months and only recently got in touch..but he doesnt reply and it makes me crazy. I guess because he didnt give me the answers i wanted i thought i could get them from her…i did, but i regret going now because i was emotional and she looked triumphant which made me feel worse..you said ‘ wow, youre beautiful!’ yeah, thanks but all the guys end up thinking they are somehow not good enough for me? how did i make them feel that? He told me it was good that she on the other hand has had lots of relationships..he said it means she is generous!!

this is my freakshow but not of my choice 🙁