Dear wildoceanflower:

You wrote: “I just know from experience how bad it can be alone”-

When I am alone, it is just me and my thoughts, the random thoughts that occur, the thoughts that follow, the “conversations” I have with people (all in my head, of course), the feelings that follow, worries about the future, memories of the past- lots is going on, in my brain, when I am alone.

The brain is sometimes compared to a computer. Using a computer/ machine term, our brain can be “user-friendly” or the opposite, user-hostile (a term I just made up). When you are alone, and your brain is user-hostile, you experience “how bad it can be alone”.

There are people who figure: if I think positive thoughts then I will feel good, but it is not that simple because we cannot hold on to positive thoughts long if they don’t fit reality or if we don’t believe them to be true. What I do in my healing process, healing from a very user-hostile brain, is to stick to thoughts that are true to reality (positive or negative doesn’t matter).

Remember I told you about my neighbor Betty? I saw her yesterday. There is another neighbor, J.,  who lives in a beautiful house as well, lots of land, view, she has adult children and grandchildren she is very involved with. She drives fancy vehicles, is healthy and fit, no financial worries and… she is unfulfilled, unhappy. Again and again, I observe that money, house, wealth, marriage-status, having children who are doing well enough, extended family… all those things don’t change the fact that when Betty and J are awake at night, their user-hostile brains give them a hard time. The nights are the worst for them because they have nothing to distract them from their distressing thoughts and feelings.

I believe that if you, wildoceanflower, had the house, wealth, being married, just like Betty and J., you wouldn’t be content either. At moments you will be, but most of the time, no. Contentment, well being, other than physical health, is about what we think and feel.

In that hostile-user brain, we think others are happy because they have the car, house, marriage, children, etc.- we think so but these thoughts don’t fit reality. We only imagine we will be happy IF we had this or that. And we only imagine others are because they have those things.

We do, as humans, have the need to connect with others- that is not negotiable. You have friends but they are not enough. There will never be ENOUGH for a person with a hostile-user brain.

I have more to write about your last post, but will wait to do so after your thoughts about this post, if you will.

anita