Dear laelithia,

You are far from being the only one – I had the same feeling (even though my logical mind refused to believe that – there was no way I could be the only one – just how many people break up or divorce on any given day?…), but I started to browse the web, read different relationship forums, etc., and eventually I started to be thankful that I hadn’t been treated as terribly as other women had. Maybe the fact that it was the second time I was dumped somewhat helped – the very first time, it was really a cold encounter with the reality, a real break of all my convictions and romantic self-assurances bordering on pride and false modesty that I, oh I, I am going to be so much different because I had waited for so long, and he will be my only one and we will love each other forever and will die on the same day – all that fairy-tale rubbish.

But yes, even though we had literally had nothing to talk about during the five or six months before the breakup, I (having read all that be-a-good-understanding-woman stuff) thought that this was because he was so much engrossed in his work, was under stress, retreating into his man cave, etc. (lesson here – trust your gut feelings) – despite that, it did came sort of like a shock. My logical mind refused to believe that especially given that he, of his own accord, two months before ghosting on me, had wished me a happy birthday with literally the following words, “… to my dear girl, whom I love very, very much”, and just one month later he met that other lady and fell over head and heels in love with her.

I could vent more about HOW he ghosted on me and took his new love to the seaside for a holiday all the while I was wondering why he hadn’t called or texts even though he would check up on me at least three times a day, what was going on with his job project after the end of which we were supposed to get married, and whether he was in a coma, or something like that. I didn’t call him or bother him much because of that “man cave” thing, giving him time. He finally had the guts to tell me that he had met somebody else nearly two months (!!!) after he had ghosted on me. And that after we particularly mentioned to each other that both of us would like to know at once if the other party met somebody new. Talk about respect here. Zero. He only cared about himself and his feeling of enjoyment, the high of the drug of being in a new relationship, the drug of being infatuated.

Also, I clearly remembered how one day he had said in that calm and convincing tone of his, “I have never lied to you,” so my rational mind held on to that (that is, that his drop-out of our interaction had been caused by anything but a new flame) despite my intuition.

Maybe our relationship lasted for about six years (I say “lasted” because of that “I love you” thing that he said himself, not realising that his love had faded by then) because it was also long-distance into the bargain.

In fact, what proved my theory (at least regarding him, the fact that his love has a shelf life so to speak) was the fact that he behaved towards her was EXACTLY like he had behaved towards me, he even called her the same affectionate names as he had called me! As I say, only the object of his adoration-adulation changed, he remains the same and that woman is just like I used to be or my predecessor still is (the one he had been with for six years before me still has their pictures on her webpage – and that eight (!!!) years after he left her for me). This charming quality is one of the many characteristics of a narcissist that fit him.

Anita would say in this (yours/mine/ours) case that that relationship only FELT safe, but in fact it was not. Let me reiterate that idea, “He only cared about himself and his feeling of enjoyment, the high of the drug of being in a new relationship, the drug of being infatuated.” BUT, he only projected the image of a highly-conscious man; in fact, it turns out that he is very shallow, unable to look deep into himself, analyse his behaviour. I overestimated him and thought that he was just as caring, loving, devoted and thoughtful man as I am myself (mirroring in my mind).

Again, I tend to think that he (and probably your guy, too) DID mean all those things when he said them. I don’t know much about yours, but mine had ALWAYS been looking for that ideal love-to-eternity (something to do with the mother figure in his life – if I had a psychological background, I would probably even venture into saying that he was (and is! – I look up his wife’s FB page now and then (once a month or so) out of sheer curiosity to know how long this one will last and whether my observations and findings are true) looking for some replacement of his mother, looking, thinking that he has found it only to move on after boredom settles in and he wants a “new relationship high”). Something akin to people promising or saying that they will do something just because it feels good at the moment (I read a few posts made by guys on Tiny Buddha who had done that, but – the difference! – were trying to understand why they had that pattern – at least, one small step forward). Only in my case, the “moment” lasted several years, that’s it.

Also, now that I look back, I think I knew all the way that he wasn’t the one who would sit by my bedside all day long or visit me at the hospital (say, I cannot doubt that my father would, but about him, I would just say, “I don’t know”) – and yes, just like you I don’t think he thinks about me any more at all.

However, I really, truly don’t care now. Hopefully, you will reach this stage, too.

And yes, mine was a whirlwind romance, too. Six weeks after we met, we considered ourselves an item. Only I do need to tell you that this may or may not be an indicator. For instance, my parents met in February at a ski resort, tied the knot in July, and I was born in March. Both had had a divorce under their belt by then (talk about second marriages not lasting!) and are still together after 33 years (I am 32). So please, please, no generalising or stereotyping. There is no telling really.

By the way, he repeated his pattern with that new lady. They met in April and married in October. I am really curious how long it is going to last, because, as I mentioned above, he is still the same and she is so infatuated by him, posting about their happy life together and omitting things when he could have done something, but didn’t (just like with me – for instance, no birthday presents, but gifts “just because”).

And just like in the characteristics on the Baggage Reclaim website, I noticed that this was missing and that, but found excuses (such an important job, so much stress, etc., etc.) and my logical mind subserviently reminded me of the other small things that he did do, such as – yes! – remembering details that even I had forgotten, buying me flowers out of the blue (and guess what? Those flowers were my zodiac’s flowers even though I had always told him that I loved roses) or suddenly making a rush to a row of blouses in a store, searching for something on the rack (first time ever!) and producing a blouse that I had seen myself a day before, but decided that I needed something more modest to wear at home. Talk about “signs” that we were meant to be together. No such thing exists. Or – well, who knows – one can safely talk about “the love of one’s life” only on the death bed, but I am not holding my breath. I don’t give much thought to him now, the traces of his presence in my life are mostly gone, the emotions have all evaporated. New impressions, travelling, hobbies slowly but surely delete those memories. It is now really like a closed book, a read novel. Done, processed, put on the shelf.

And again, I don’t think it was a conscious game of his. Subconscious – maybe, but definitely not conscious.

Now, about recovery. At some point, I realised that I could only enjoy life THROUGH him. That is, when we were together, I would constantly look at him – does he like it? does he approve of it? If he did – great, if he didn’t – well, I would still go my way (I am very stubborn and like to think that I have a high opinion of myself), BUT I would do it half-heartedly almost feeling GUILTY. Guilty not because he is not enjoying it (he said he wouldn’t – all right), but because he didn’t have just as much enjoyment as I had at that time. Now, that is a diagnosis of being in a love dependency.

So what I did is I went meticulously through the Tiny Buddha blog pages and read all the blogs about being whole and complete on one’s own. I believe that my problem started when I a) started thinking that I was still single, so something must be wrong with me; b) started fearing the future (alone, in a foreign country, studying, so much at stake, etc.) and c) started desperately believing in the two-halves-make-one concept. And since I am stubborn by nature, that only exacerbated things because I tend to hold on to things much longer than needed.

I have always tried not to project too much into the future, but I did think about us doing this or that or travelling there or there. It feels somewhat natural to me to do it after our split – after all, I always do only what I really want to do – so as that rather short list was being accomplished, it sort of helped to stop being reminded of him. I remember anxiously searching his FB page two years ago, looking for his news, that somehow, very, very naturally – hard to explain why or how – went away. I guess just like Anita says that all that one resists, persists.

What also helped, was an excellent book written by a psychologist on how to deal with breakups. It is not in English, but most of its ideas are contained in the list made by Brav3, a Tiny Buddha user. You can find it, too.

As for the spark, the way it happened again was (just as they say!) quite unexpected. I was travelling and found myself realising one day that I was being very, very comfortable on my own, not lacking anybody or anything, just like it had been before #1 and before I developed all those a), b) and c). I guess quantity (of reading and musing) finally had transformed into quantity. Just two days later, I met a guy. We had a very nice evening, but that was it. It turned out that he hadn’t still gotten over his girlfriend who had left him three (!!!) years ago. Again, see that “mirroring” of my situation? That guy’s case, along with Brav3’s posts, made me realise how similar men and women can be. There is really no telling.

Now, two days ago, I met another man. He seems to be Mr Perfect, but no spark. And I doubt that I will feel it – I don’t have much experience really, but if I don’t feel it on Day 1, it is hopeless. He is somewhat similar in his “perfection” to another man who wanted to court me early last year. Same thing, perfect at first glance, but no spark, so no wish even to get to know him. Remember about the three levels? The upper two are present (attraction of the mind and the heart), but the “lowest chakra” is not active at all.

Maybe I was still getting over that three-year guy then, as I tend to hold on to romantic notions for a long, long time.

And maybe now I secretly hope that one more man, a former colleague, who had also contacted me out of nowhere last year, almost made me fall in love with him (I would have never told that – just three or four months into my breakup!) only to tell me that he couldn’t have a relationship (he was married, but his marriage had been almost non-existant for five years by then, and him still not being able to fully forget his “other woman” – again, that mirroring), will eventually come back to start something seriously. However, since nothing has happened after a year in his life, why would something happen any time soon?… I am fully aware of that, too. Again, similar posts from other women on TinyBuddha help a great deal.

But again, I don’t know. I may need to start my own thread about why I keep thinking about him, even though he is just as unavailable as all the others (and has LOTS OF ISSUES that he himself must resolve for himself), but I stopped thinking about the others after three or four months of virtually no contact, and with this one, it has been 15 months now, and the connection to him feels just as fresh even though there is no communication. Weird, how hearts and minds work, huh? Funny, too, that after three guys on my radar last year (two ones with a spark and one with zero; the colleague “vanishing” in February), there was nobody (besides my really supercautious thinking about that colleague) until May this year. No telling. And no spark here, so I probably shouldn’t count it.

I know that it sounds cliché, but my ultimate advice would be to give it time and to go with the flow. I intend to do just that. Might be easier for me because the passions have long since subsided, I do notice men’s attention, so nothing is lost. And I do have lots of hobbies, have regained interest in life and can afford to travel, that is to change scenery. It really helps.

Hopefully, eventually, my quirks will strike a chord with someone whom I will be compatible with on all the three levels. After all, as Inky said, I need only one. 🙂

Do take care and sorry for the superlong post. I had had it formed in my mind for quite some time now, but it feels good to be able to put it all in writing.

X