Dear A.J:

In your posts you shared the following:

You had a very rough childhood. Both your parents physically beat you many times. Both parents shouted at you. And they often fought with each other. One or both of your parents physically beat you when you were in your twenties. At about 33 your father died. At 34, your mother is still involved in your life and your child’s life.

As a result of the severe abuse you experienced as a child, you never learned to stand up for yourself and you isolated yourself. You suffer from a very high blood pressure. You get angry very fast, with your mother and when you do, you shout at her or at yourself.

You also get angry at your child but you control yourself and act gently with him. On the other hand your wife shouts at your 2 year old and sometimes she hits him (not in front of you). She shouts at him to go sleep almost every night. Your wife also yells at you (“I often get yelled at by my wife..”)

You wrote that when your child sleeps between you and your wife, he always sleeps closer to you.

Now my thoughts and suggestions: first, you need to take good care of yourself, best you can, because of your high blood pressure. Medication, plus practices that promote health: eating healthily, exercising (a brisk, long walk per day, perhaps, or, if possible, when you get angry). Maybe calming practices such as yoga, tai chi… and maybe competent, quality psychotherapy, if possible and available for you, so to manage your emotions and increase your well being.

What I will write next may upset you, so please take a few deep, slow breaths (another good practice), and proceed only if you are calm, take a break otherwise if and whenever you feel upset:

For the purpose of protecting yourself and promoting your health, it will probably be a good choice that you limit or better, eliminate contact with your mother. After all, she is  50% responsible for your severely abusive childhood: she beat you. She yelled at you and she fought with your father in front of you, exposing you to all that violence. If she did not express to you sincere regret for her abuse of you, if she didn’t offer serious amends, this abuse has not been resolved and no wonder you still get angry at her.

It is time for you to stand up for yourself. You don’t have to have your mother in your life.

Regarding your wife: she is beating and shouting at your child. She shouts at him almost every day. This may very well be why he sleeps closer to you and farther from her. He is probably afraid of her, feeling unsafe in her company. He feels safer with you.

She shouldn’t be yelling at him, at all, ever. Neither should she beat him. You need to protect your child from being abused by your wife. And your wife shouldn’t be yelling at you either.

Your wife doesn’t know better than you. You know better: a child shouldn’t have violence perpetrated against him. Stand up to your wife and insist that she no longer does that, in your presence (the yelling) and out of your presence (the yelling and beating).

If you do choose to stand up for yourself, it will not be easy because you are not used to it, because you learned not to, because you are afraid to do so- but if you do, there is hope for you to get healthier, for your blood pressure to go down on a regular basis and there is hope for your child.

Please do post again.

anita